5 Step Process to Intimate Love

Do you fear intimate love? You’re not the only one. We all want deep connection. Sometimes we even crave it.  Yet, we find ways to block or ignore intimate moments.

Want some examples? Staying single. Spending more time on tech than with our partners. Sustaining chronic conflict. Living in a sexless marriage. I could go on.

 

Why do we do this? Because intimacy is friggen scary. Pardon the passive “f” word but it fits. In fact, I teach about this in my Intimacy Revival Platinum program. In this 6-month program, couples practice three components of intimacy:

  • Courage
  • Risk
  • Vulnerability

When I created this program, I searched for definitions on vulnerability. Oxford dictionary published one that struck me deeply.

“The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”

Wow. Did you read that definition??? This helps you understand why you might dance around this topic. On the one hand, you are wise to protect yourself. But watch yourself. You might also prevent yourself from being fully known or loved.

You deserve to feel loved. And you can’t feel truly loved – emotionally, physically and/or sexually – until you surrender into intimacy. One does not exist without the other. I know, hard news to take but it’s true.

Think of it this way. It’s a 5 step process toward intimate love. It looks like this:

 

5 Step Process of Intimate Love

Step 1: Tap into your courage so that you can take greater intimacy risks.

Step 2: Say yes to risk despite your fears (rejection, abandonment, disappointment, etc).

Step 3: Take risks through the vulnerable act of mental, emotional and sexual transparency.

Step 4:  Use this transparency to create clarity, confidence, closeness and trust.

Step 5: Reap the rewards of full, authentic, honest and whole love.

One thing that I know is this:

Every single person that steps into my office possesses the first step: Tapping into courage. I know that you have courage too. Step into your own courage to create an unbreakable, intimate love.

10 Tips for Your Everyday Love

Everyday Love

Just like you might feel that you “should” celebrate Valentine’s Day today, I feel like I “should” blog about Valentine’s Day because I work with so many couples.

So let me say from the beginning that this blog is not about Valentine’s Day.

It’s about everyday love.

  • Every day, take some time to express your love through non-sexual touch.  Hug, hold hands, a back rub…
  • Every day, explicitly appreciate your beloved.  Say “thank you” to things he/she might do whether it is for you personally or it’s to take care of your shared home or something else.
  • Every day, actively listen to your partner’s stories of the day. If you lack the energy, say so, do not just tune out. Table that conversation for another time.
  • Every day, share your feelings, even if you feel things that your partner may not want know.
  • Every day, make some form of sexual contact with each other. This can be small or large, an extended kiss, a stroke of their genitals, sexy spooning in bed before getting up. This can lead to more, or not.
  • Every day, offer your partner a minimum of 1 compliment. Keep it real, do not make it up. He/She will know.
  • Every day, be honest.
  • Every day, make a mental note of gratitude for your partner on that day. Recognize that you had the gift of another day together, no matter how that day went.
  • Every day, practice compassion toward your partner.
  • Every day, ask yourself, “How can I be the kind of partner I’d like to have?”

Is it nice to celebrate Valentine’s Day, get flowers and go out to dinner? 

Sure it is. But for some, its effects are temporary, if that, because they don’t cultivate a shared, rich love on a daily basis.

Instead of having such intense focus on Valentine’s Day, strive to cultivate this practice daily.

As someone who is in a healthy, loving, fulfilling relationship for 20+ years, I can tell you firsthand that these statements matter.

You may not do them all on each day but your efforts matter.

Mindfulness matters. Consciousness matters. Gratitude matters.

Cherish your beloved each and every day.