04 Dec Dominance and Submission – Can You Submit?
Whether inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey or boredom, you join many partners who express frustration with their vanilla sex life. You may not seek whips and chains (or perhaps you do, you kinky thing!) but you simply know you want more.
For partners together many years, it takes courage to express this desire. After all, you have your reliable sexual routine. It’s safe and predictable. Yet you find yourself sexually curious. How do you have this conversation? How do you spice up your sex life to include dominant and submissive roles?
In therapy, I witness partners who generally hold a more dominant role in the relationship, seek submission “in the bedroom”. They tend to be the decision makers, the go-to partner, sometimes, the more orderly partner or some might even say, the controlling partner. This person wants their more passive partner to “take charge” of their sex life.
If you want to be more submissive, rather than asking your partner to “be more dominant”, I invite you to focus less on your partner and more on you. Ask yourself, “Can I be more submissive? Can I let go and REALLY submit to my partner’s wishes and desires? Does that arouse me?”
Submission means that you ask permission and follow orders. You’re dominant partner tells you what to do and you do it, always within the understanding that you can stop any play at any time. It’s sort of like role playing with agreed upon rules. Part of what arouses the dominant partner is their sub’s desire and willingness to please him/her.
First step: have the conversation. Share your secret desires with your partner. Whether you’re partner expresses uncertainty or interest, try this experiment. If you’ve always done vanilla sex, start this process slowly. In fact, step things up a notch outside of “the bedroom” before incorporating it fully into your sex life.
Set aside time when you will both play with these roles. Begin slowly to simply test the waters. For example, blogger Domwithpen writes that asking permission for simple things can set up a sexy D/s dynamic. As the sub, ask permission for non-sexual tasks:
“May I get a drink of water?”
“May I take a shower?”
Spend some time asking permission. Notice how it feels to ask permission. Do you like it? Does it free you? Does it arouse you in any way? If so, this can eventually lead up to,
“May I suck your ________?” (fill in whatever appeals to you)
Ask yourself the following:
- Do I like this?
- Does this arouse me?
- Does this arouse the “Dom” within my partner?
If you both like this, you and your partner can research the various levels of D/s play. Come up with some rules for what type of play is allowed and what is absolutely off the table. You can decide if you would like disciplinary action. If this scares you, start soft (and keep it that way if that works for you).
The D/s relationship is one that you cultivate over time, with much care, respect and mutuality. If the full-blown experience of D/s does not appeal to you, know that you can simply pull elements into your sex life to spice it up.
Get creative. Step out of your routine. DARE to exchange power.
This blog post emphasizes the submissive’s development. Stay tuned for future articles on developing the Dom within and other aspects of D/s play.